McTAVISH BLOG NO. 7: JEWEL THEFT! but not by me in case the cops are reading this. (though it really is by me … ) is this title too long?

Home again, with the threat of Roger still hanging over my head.  I must eliminate him.  The easiest way to do that is to hire someone else to perform the snuffage.  Which will require money I don’t have.  But that is about to change.  Because …

… I am going to steal The Jewels of Alba!  Why not me?  I deserve a lifetime of undeserved wealth!  If it’s good enough for The Queen, it’s even better for me!

And it’s a fabulous opportunity, because only one dense obstacle stands between me and the Jewels: Duff Munro!

If I can’t find a way past Duff, well, I will have to question my entire existence. However … there is one unanticipated problem, a small hiccup in my Master Plan, in the form of that hairless cat who is trying to usurp my spot in the household.  However, ‘Mr.’ Phibbs is too busy ironing ‘Sir’ Robin’s undies and making cucumber sandwiches for High Tea to cause any real problems.

And what is my Master Plan, you ask?   Back off, I reply.  I’m still working on it.  I’ve come up with a lot of brilliant ideas, see?  Too many to go through them all in detail.  But I can now share with you a few of the best …

PLAN 1:  A technologically sophisticated Star Trek style transporter. 

PROS:  Beam in, gather loot, beam out.  Easy.

CONS:  Relative lack of Star Trek style transporters in this timeline.

PLAN 2:  Hypnotize Duff into stealing jewels for me.

PROS:  Risk free.  If anything goes wrong, Duff gets the blame. 

CONS:  Lack of hypnosis skills.  Can Duff be hypnotized?  Or is he in a constant state of … hmm … anyway … can he pull off the job without screwing up?   Okay, scratch this idea.

PLAN 3:  Cut a deal with Duff to steal jewels and split the profit.

PROS:  See plan 2.  Though Duff could rat on me.  Which is actually a con.

CONS:  Have to split proceeds with Duff.  Dubious Duff reliability/competence.  Maybe scratch this one, too.

I’m running out of ideas, damn it.  But I will not give up.  I know the layout of the library and museum inside out.  I can … hmm …

PLAN 4: Slide under the door.  Cats have no bones, right?

PROS:  Low overhead costs.  No skill of any kind required.

CONS: None come to mind. 

Brief pause in the blog while I will give this a try! And now I’m back. Please do not look at the illustration on the right. Anyway, I’ve had plenty of ME time to cook up some more sizzling plans …

PLAN 5: Dig a tunnel into the museum from the library.

PROS:  Just give me a minute.  I’ll think of something.

CONS:  Digging.  Lots of digging.  Way too much digging.  To heck with this idea!

PLAN 6: High explosives.

PROS:  Easier than digging.  Good way to take out Duff and the front door at the same time.

CONS:  Might attract unwanted attention.  Might blow myself up.  Okay.  Another plan goes up in smoke …

Also, on a slightly different topic … what’s up with these illustrations?!! I hired that Donna Bowman (obviously a fake name) to make me look good. Instead, she blows me to smithereens and disintegrates me! She is most very definitely totally and completely NOT getting paid. Back to the blog …

PLAN 7:  Ducks.  Vern and Cody could be useful, for the first time ever.  They fly through an open window and lay an egg on a display case.  Duff would have to declare the museum an ‘Ecologically Sensitive Zone’ and keep everyone out.

PROS:  Easy for me to sneak in with no one around.

CONS:   Vern and Cody are both guys, damn it.  And no girl duck wants anything to do with them.  Also … perhaps a little overcomplicated …

PLAN 8:  Pizza.  Distract Duff with a free pizza and sneak inside!

PROS:  Pizza is cheap.

CONS:  None!  This is plausible.  This could work!

[BRIEF PAUSE WHILE I TRY IT OUT]

Okay.  It’s two days later.  I did three practice runs and … I ate the pizza before reaching the museum.  Every time.  Rats. 

I could try giving Duff a free vegetable hamper.  I wouldn’t eat that.  And neither would Duff.  Jello might work.  Duff inexplicably loves it and I won’t eat it because it makes me break out in huge wobbly yellow blobs unknown to medical science.  So.  Plan 7 is still on the table. 

And I got a million more of them, folks.  But .. hey!  Why am I telling YOU?  You could steal my ideas and rob the museum yourselves!  This blog is OVER!